


Kids Your Age

by Monsieur_Grenouille



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: F/M, I’m so proud of this, M/M, Plot Twists, So damn fluffy, please read this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:48:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24133834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monsieur_Grenouille/pseuds/Monsieur_Grenouille
Summary: Five has his first crush in a long time. Her name is Lauren, and she makes him weak.MAJOR PLOT TWISTS!!! I loved writing this because of how I messed with my own feelings with it. I feel like I can’t even tag anything without giving it all away! I want to shock you guys! I want you to be on the edge of your seats!
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So glad that The Hollow has LGBT themes in it. My younger siblings just started watching it, and I haven’t gotten a good look at it yet, but I did see the scene where it shows the girl’s two dads and when the athletic boy comes out as gay. There’s also racial diversity, strong female characters, characters with signs of depression, and lots of life lessons, such as the death of a friend. Thank you, Netflix. You’re contributing so much to the kids of the future. I would do anything to turn back time and give the people of my age group shows like The Hollow.

Klaus was sitting on his bed, listening to music, and scratching down words in his diary. He wasn’t high, but he was very much happy. None of the ghosts had tried to talk to him in about a week. Ben was looking over his shoulder. “Seriously? Who’s gonna want to read about what you had to eat today?” 

Klaus looked up at him. “Shut up. I don’t want anyone to read this, anyway. If you’re not thrilled, write your own novel.” 

“If only a notebook and pencil could just die and become ghosts.” Ben rolled his eyes. He waited a few minutes after Klaus didn’t reply. “I’m bored,” he said. 

“Yippie skippy, Number Six. Find something to do.” Klaus put his pencil back on the windowsill and turned off the music player. He set his journal back in a shoebox and kicked it under the bed. He looked at Ben. “What should we do?” 

Ben shrugged. “Can we go on a walk?” 

Klaus smiled, “Yeah, sure. Where–“

Suddenly, Five burst into the room. His hair was a mess. “Klaus, I need to fit in,” he panicked, “I was walking downtown today and I saw a cute girl, and she must’ve seen me too because she said hi.” 

Klaus smiled and leaned back. “I guess I have value now. Did she say her name?” 

Five ran a hand through his hair. “Y-Yeah. Her name’s Lauren. She’s really pretty, but I’m scared that she’s going to reject me if she knew I’m extremely intelligent and a time traveler.” He clutched his stomach and bent over, hyperventilating. “Oh God, Klaus. Please... help me. I feel sick.” He fell to his knees on the floor, then flopped onto his side and hugged his knees to his chest,

Klaus folded his hands in his lap. “What needs to be helped? You’re a very charming young man. I mean, the fact you wore the same thing every day for the past 50 years is a little disturbing, but I’m sure we can find you something at the mall.” 

Five whimpered softly. He looked so different from the normal Number Five. He looked soft and vulnerable and... helpless. “But that’s just how I look. I’m not a very social person, and she’ll be the first time I talk to a girl in a long time. I need to say the right things to make her think I’m worth her time.” 

Klaus thought for a second. “How many sitcoms have you watched?” 

“Why the hell– Klaus, I want you to use your brain for just one second. How do I get her attention?” Five didn’t give him one of his famous glares; he shivered and stared straight ahead like a dead fish. 

Klaus cleared his throat. “I mean, like, do you know how common your situation is? You feel scared that she won’t like you because you’re different. There are so many complicated plot lines that can lead to the answer, but the answer’s always the same. Just be yourself.” 

Five rolled his eyes. “You’re so cheesy. Life isn’t that easy. There’s always at least three major complications to every story, and this existential crisis is the first.” 

Klaus chuckled, “You’re so naive...” 

“Excuse me, bitch?” 

“You’re excused. Don’t question my advice, since you wanted it in the first place. Anyway, what’s so cool about Lauren?” Klaus crossed his legs. He was going to make this as awkward as possible, since he liked being Five’s brother slash father figure. Maybe sister? 

Five groaned, blushing. “She has dark brown hair like mine put up into a bun, but it was covered with a beanie. She also has really pretty eyes. No makeup at all, and tannish skin. She wears those hipster glasses and dark clothes. She had a coffee cup with her.” 

Klaus put a hand up to his mouth. “Ohmygod... coffee. You guys must be soulmates.” 

Five nodded. “Yeah, maybe. I really just want to talk to her without messing up. No calculations, no plans, just talking. Maybe I should bring her to a coffee shop.” He looked up at Klaus hopefully. “First, can you help me find new clothes?”


	2. Chapter 2

Klaus had gotten pretty used to pretending to be Five’s dad, so it came to no difficulty when he brought him to the mall. They were going to try to find sweats, or at least a jacket and a nice pair of jeans. They were on their way to Old Navy when they saw some old friends. 

“Jesus Christ...” Five muttered. He did not want to talk to Kenny and his mom again. They were always so... happy. 

Klaus nudged him. “Be nice,” he whispered before smiling at the two approaching. “Hiiii guys!” he greeted. 

Kenny’s mom beamed back. “Hey, boys! What a coincidence we see each other again. Where’s the third?” 

Klaus laughed. “Oh, you know. My husband’s been so exhausted recently. We recently got a puppy for Five’s birthday, and potty training is so difficult. He’s sleeping.”

Kenny’s mom nodded. “Wonderful. We’re actually heading over to the Petco. Kenny’s been saving for a ferret. What are you two up to?”

Klaus pointed down the mall. “We’re just heading to the Old Navy. My son needs clothes other than his school uniform, and we were considering a new look.” 

Kenny spoke up. “He’d look good in red,” he whispered, “jeans, maybe?” 

Klaus nudged Five as if to say, _talk_. Five snapped to attention and tried to act normal. “Yeah, that might be a good idea. D-Dad, um, he mentioned something earlier. He said the same thing.” 

Kenny blushed lightly and disappeared from conversation again. Klaus got an idea. “Is your son busy this afternoon, ma’am?” he asked, “Maybe after your ferret adoption, Five and Kenny could hang out. I mean, my son is very different than me when it comes to, well, everything, so maybe Kenny could give him some fashion tips.” 

Kenny’s mom beamed. “That’d be lovely! Sadly, Kenny and I are busy today. Maybe we could work out a time next weekend? Here... I’ll give you my number.” 

Klaus laughed, “Wonderful!” He whipped out his phone and huddled next to Kenny’s mom, quick to exchange numbers. 

Five and Kenny made uncomfortable eye contact, and Five realized he had to be the first to talk. “Hey, uh, Kenny.” 

“Hi, Five.” 

“I’m sorry for what I said at the bowling alley.” 

“It’s okay. Those assassins were insane.” Kenny chuckled and gripped his arm in his hand. 

Five ran a hand through his hair. “You have no idea. Do you... do you know how to make someone want to date you? I know this is a really awkward topic and you’re probably really repulsed by me, but there’s a cute girl I saw today and you’re literally the only kid I’ve talked to in years.” 

Kenny blushed. “Oh! Um... I don’t know. Maybe just be yourself? Don’t call her hot, call her pretty or beautiful. Listen to her, too? I-I don’t know.” 

Five nodded. This kid was probably worth existence after all. “Kenny, you are worth existence after all,” he stated firmly. 

Klaus came back and put his hand on Five’s shoulder. “Alrighty, boys. Time to say goodbye for now.” 

Kenny smiled and waved at Five. “Bye, Five. Good luck with the girl.” 

Five waved back. “Good luck with the ferret...?” He walked a few feet with Klaus until he knew they were out of earshot. “I think he has a crush on me. Did you _see_ his body language?” 

Klaus laughed loudly. “Of course I did! At least you have a fallback if Lauren doesn’t like you.” 

Five blushed, “Dad, I'm not gay.” He still used the word dad, since anyone could be listening. 

Klaus patted him on the head. “Of course you’re not. You’re my bisexual baby boy.” 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently according to a few friends and a few quizzes, I only have two moods: Klaus and Five. It makes so much sense if you’ve seen the way I interact with the same person on two different days

“Remember what I said,” Diego whispered, crouching down in front of Five to appear encouraging. “It’s okay if she doesn’t like you.” They were standing in the street, right in front of the place where Five was going to meet Lauren for their date. It was a bookstore where he saw her come out of earlier, and also the spot where the coffee cup was from. He was wearing a nice red hoodie and jeans since it actually was an amazing look for him. He held a bouquet of flowers in his hand, and his hair was in order for once. Diego was a better father actor than Klaus, since he didn’t go out of his way to tell people that Five was his son. He just acted like a father. 

Five quivered, his thin legs barely supporting him. “What if she just sees me as a friend?” he whispered.

Diego chuckled. His smile could really light up a room. “At least you’ll have a friend, Kiddo. Do you want to stay here with me until Lauren arrives or do you want to go see if she’s inside?”

“By myself?” Five rose his eyebrow.

Diego got back on his feet and patted Five on the shoulder. “By yourself.” He stepped forward and hugged Five to his chest. For good measure, he kissed the boy on the top of the head.

“I’m going to kill you for that,” Five whispered.

Diego sighed, “I know.” He pulled apart from the hug, then slipped his hands in his pocket. “Have fun on your date, son. Your father and I will be back to pick you up around eight.” 

Five nodded. “Bye, dad!” He didn’t care about it, but he couldn’t help but notice that even without Klaus, Diego maintained the backstory of being a gay man. He walked into the book store and headed to the cafe to order a plain black coffee. He found a table for two in the back as he waited. Lauren eventually arrived, and she smiled lightly when she saw Five. Five waved as he felt a pang of anxiety nip at his sides. He took a deep breath and remembered what he’d been told over and over. 

_Just be yourself_. 

“Hey, Lauren,” he chuckled nervously. 

Lauren sat down in the seat across from him. “Hey, Five. How are you?” She tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “I see you’re wearing something different than the schoolboy outfit.” 

Five nodded. “One of my dads wanted me to try a new look.” 

Lauren shifted uncomfortably. “You have... two dads?” 

Five blushed, “Do you have a problem with it?” 

Lauren cleared her throat. “No. It’s just...” she dropped her voice. “Don’t gay people have gay babies?” 

Five suddenly felt defensive. Diego and Klaus we’re even his dads, and he shouldn’t even be acting like they are, but there was something about the family dynamic that he felt comfortable with. Just like there was something about a Lauren that suggested that beauty was only skin-deep. “If gay people have gay babies, then wouldn’t that suggest that straight people can only have straight babies?” 

“No, because they’re not being raised a certain, y’know, _lifestyle_.” 

Five almost lost his cool, but realized he could continue the argument and win it. “And what lifestyle is that?” 

Lauren shrugged. “I don’t know. Don’t they force you to like boys or cover the house in rainbows during June?” 

Five shook his head. “That’s only half right about one of my dads. Klaus, the only effeminate one, keeps a pansexual flag in his bedroom and that’s it. My other father, Diego, throws knives for a living. He’s the most masculine guy I’ve ever met.” 

“Well, he’s bisexual, right?” 

Five lost track of what he was saying. He was just high off of this conversation. “No, he’s gay. A gay man who loves knives.” He pulled out his phone and opened to his gallery, selecting the only video of Diego’s knife skills he had. “This is him.” He clicked the play button and showed Lauren the video. Lauren watched closely. 

“There’s no way he’s gay,” she scoffed, “You’re pulling my leg.” 

Five sipped at his coffee. “I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to. Maybe you’re just a little homophobic.” 

Lauren shook her head. “How dare you! This date was going fine until you mentioned you had two dads.” 

“You must be mistaken. It was going fine until you made a big deal out of the fact I have two dads. You may have seemed pretty earlier, but it turns out you’re just in disguise. If you can’t respect my parents’ decision to get married, the. How the hell can I believe you’d be nice to them at all? I know that the majority of misconceptions about the LGBT community are passed down from one conservative piece of shit to another, but if you’re my age, you would’ve at least overcome some of those mindsets. It’s only once you actually believe in that slimy space you call a brain that gays have a _lifestyle_ or _gay babies_ that it’s not your parents problem anymore. It’s yours. The date is off. Here, pay for your coffee.” He threw a five dollar bill at her and put the lid on his cup. “I apologize for thinking you were human,” he spat. 

And with that, he spun on his heel and stormed off. He still had the flowers clenched in his hand, but he had a vague idea who to give them to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A TWIST!


	4. Chapter 4

Since Kenny and Five seemed to share some kind of timeline as to where they were going, he wasn’t surprised when he saw the boy with thick round glasses standing in the Fiction section. He remembered the body language from earlier, and how Klaus said he could always fallback on Kenny. “H-Hey, Kenny,” he chuckled, “We meet yet again.” 

Kenny looked up from his book and blushed. “Five? Oh, wow. We really do see each other a lot. Y-You’re wearing red. It looks really nice on you, just so you know.” 

Five leaned against the bookcase. “Thanks. And to think this sequence of coincidental events all started at the bowling alley.” He flashed his famous smile and crossed his arms over his chest nonchalantly. “What’re you reading?” 

Kenny pushed up his glasses. “Oh, nothing. _City of Ember_ , I think. It’s about a dystopian society. I really love dystopia and post-apocalyptic worlds. They seem so exciting and dangerous.” 

_Oh, Kenny. Precious precious Kenny. If only you knew._ Five shook off his thoughts and cocked his head. “Maybe I should read that.” 

“You should. It’s really good so far. What’ve you been reading?” 

Five thought of a book right on the spot. “ _Orwell’s 1984_. I just started it and I haven’t been paying extremely close attention to it, but I’ve heard it’s worth it.” 

Kenny’s eyes glittered. “We’re even reading the same genre of book. It’s like our paths were meant to cross or something. I know my mom can be a bit extra at times, but she has good intentions. I hope she doesn’t bother you.” 

Five waved his hand dismissively. “She’s human, so I understand. My father’s the same way. Can’t stop the optimists, right?” 

Kenny laughs softly, and Five tries to ignore the way his laugh makes him feel. Kenny’s personality gave him the same feeling as Lauren’s looks. “How’d that date with that girl go?” 

Five scowled. “She was the worst. Apparently she has a problem with my dads.” 

Kenny nodded understandingly. “The pretty ones are always the worst.” 

Five looked up, and he couldn’t even stop the words from slipping. “But there’s always one like you to break the mold.” 

Kenny blushed deeply. “Wh-What?” he stuttered. 

Five blushed too, but then decided to go with it. “I was saying that I’m starting to regret not going on the date with you instead. I think you’re reasonably attractive and your interests are worth my time. Do you want to get coffee with me? The cafe is right around that corner.” 

Kenny was speechless. He just stared with his wide hazel eyes and held his hands in front of his chest, gripping _The City of Ember_ with white knuckles. “Y-Yeah,” he managed to say, “I’d love to.” 

Five smiled kindly, “Wonderful,” he replied confidently, “I guess these are for you.” He held out the flowers, almost forcing them into Kenny’s arms. After he knew the other boy wouldn’t drop them, he reached for Kenny’s hand and led him to the cafe. He leaned on the counter. “Hey, it’s me again,” he smoothed, “Do you guys do refills?” 

The barista nodded. “Fifty cents.” 

Five held out two quarters and his original cup. “Great,” he said, “I had a plain black coffee.” 

The barista took a second to process before picking up a sharpie. “And under what name?” she asked. 

Five didn’t hesitate. “Number Five.” 

The barista took even longer to process that name, but wrote it down anyway. Kenny ordered a simple hot chocolate, which the barista had less trouble with. Five was silently amused about the reactions, but then realized he shouldn’t be surprised. Kids weren’t expected of anything these days. 

He and Kenny sat down at a table across from each other and actually got in a pretty deep conversation about Sci-fi and time travel. They also discussed the differences between dystopian and post apocalyptic societies, which was one of the most insightful conversations of Five’s life. 

“I guess there has to be some form of utopia planned before a dystopia happens,” said Kenny. Five nodded and checked the time. It was 7:55, meaning he only had five minutes left. “What’s wrong?” Kenny asked. 

Five sighed, “My parents are picking me up in five minutes. I should probably head out front and wait for them.” 

Kenny gave him a weak smile, putting his hand tentatively over Five’s. “Okay. Our parents have each other’s numbers, so maybe we can find a time to go see Star Wars this weekend.” 

Five stood up and gave Kenny a kiss on the top of the head. “There’s a new Star Wars?” he asked. Kenny nodded. Five rose his eyebrows. “We should totally watch it together. See you whenever, Kenny. You’re more than worth my time.” 

Kenny blushed. “See you later, Five. You’re a really good guy.” 

Five was still blushing as he walked out and saw Klaus standing there, waiting for him. “How’d it go, Romeo?” he teased. 

Five laughed and got in the passenger seat. “It’s a long story. Lauren ended up being homophobic, then I ran into Kenny, and I had coffee with him instead, and now he and I have a really vague plan to see Star Wars this weekend.”

Klaus squealed excitedly. “You’re life is a _movie_ , Number Five! I know this is just a summary of what happened, so when we get home, you need to tell me every single detail in a play by play. Nothing left out.” 

Five rolled his eyes and gazed out the window. “Fine, you creep. By the way, do you know if we have a copy of _Orwell’s 1984_? I’m morally obligated to read it.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are deeply appreciated. Tell me what you thought!


End file.
